dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
