someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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