News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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