That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
