if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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