If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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