Well apparently he's into motor boating.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
