Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just high enough for therapy.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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