sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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