Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
