I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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