had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We had to coat check the pizza.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
