and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
