She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
