i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
