I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My bed smells like the plague
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
