I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
