I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
