This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
