The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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