I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
