low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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