Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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