What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
