Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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