I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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