I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
