Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
