Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
