I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
