i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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