worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
