I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
