he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
