she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
