when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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