I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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