I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
His hands were made for my vagina.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
