can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
