I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
