90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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