I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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