Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
