i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
