So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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