he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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