I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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