You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
