i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
