Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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